Grammys 2016: Like Walking Into An All-Star Karaoke Bar
Ever wanted to know what it might be like to watch a former Polo model and a one-hit-wonder known for her song about big butts pay tribute to Lionel Richie on the world stage? Or what it would be like to watch a rapper formerly called "Lil' Bow Wow" host the red carpet more memorably than he ever rapped? Or, how about see actor Johnny Depp play guitar with two rock legends like it's a weird inside joke between them except you're actually supposed to find this critically viable? Not into it? Well, sit down, grandma ... we're gonna watch Justin Bieber win a fucking Grammy.
The people behind the Grammy Awards, who are clearly on drugs, wanted you to have an entirely miscellaneous experience, one you'd tweet about in awe or disgust --it doesn't matter -- as long as you're talking (I'm guilty). The whole shebang was an all-star celebrity karaoke party you accidentally walk in on with a random friend who's "in the business." If they wholly failed at getting us EXCITED ABOUT MUSIC (and they definitely did), is that their fault or is it just a state-of-the-state? Maybe it's neither: It's not really the state of music itself, it's the state of the music business, and in the face of the democratization of music, the biggest failure on the part of the Grammys is showing they understand it.
Ultimately no one is surprised though because these are the very people that sided with Metallica for suing Napster and every year make a forced speech about "artists' rights."(Note: As I write this, it's only 8:13 p.m. I'm only sitting through the Eagles tribute and a dozen more references to songs I don't care about because I want to see Kendrick Lamar blow up the stage (edit: It was amazing). And, I feel it would be amusing to watch Gaga pay homage to David Bowie(edit: Yep. Amusing), an icon in the truest form who was much missed before this confusing display, but now it just feels like dumping salt in the wound.)
The lack of inspiration continues to be alarmingly disheartening as a music fan. Add to the nonsense that all the red carpet network drones and blogs committed willing acts of #spoileralerts in letting us know hours before the show who the "winners" were. Why watch, then? Oh, right, because Lady Gaga and #FOMO.
Since the show was so random, I'll be random too. How you like that, Grammys? *raises tequila glass* So here are my drunken points (tequilas: 4; hope for music: 0) in no particular order:
Bieber has a Grammy. He has everything. We can all give up and crawl into our respective holes. The best/worst part? It's deserved. He's the new Timberlake.
Taylor Swift is like 30 now. #TaylorWintour
Bow Wow gets the award for managing the most stalled cut-away in Grammy history. (But not for rapping. Obviously.)
When Stevie Wonder said, "Ya'll know I can't read this, right?" <3
The Weeknd's hair outshone his tenor this time around. This was me watching The Weeknd:
Everything will eventually become a throwback. It happened to Birkenstocks, iPods, and now Lionel Richie. The latter much later than expected.
Fashion: Under no circumstance is a grandma sweater OK, ASAP Rocky. You're taking the word "Grammy" a little too literally.
Sam Smith is more interesting fat.
Apparently we didn't get enough of Katy Perry's gimmicky "I Kissed A Girl" and we needed a country version. Are we really this easy? And if you're one of the many rock critics saying you love this song, shut up. You do not.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm out. Dave Grohl said it best as he introduced the Cooper-Depp-Perry hellion trio: “Many of us PLAY rock n' roll, but very few of us ARE rock n' roll.” Truer words. #PeaceOutGrammys (PS - That one-hit I mentioned who payed tribute to Lionel? Won a Grammy. Toss the script! WE ALL GET GRAMMYS NOW!)